As I sat in front of my company computer I actually feel wasted. Wasted in terms of the amount of stress I am trying to contain and not show. Well, there are traces of the stress that seeps thru, but not enough to fully settle my mind.
It’s hard to be torn between two duties. As a working mom, i can’t help but ask help from my family. But not all families are receptive like other. In some instances, you need to choose between work and your child.
What is the reason for an individual to look for work? For a single person, it can be for personal, or for the family. How about those people that has children depending on them? The salary they would get keeps them clothed, feed and it keeps the roof over their head. Yes, it is not easy to live with people who sees you as a constant disappointment. The words like “I would be free from everything…” pops ups and it frustrates the hell out of me. Would they ask for help if their situation was good?
So what is the connection between reading and eating?
For me, who’s voice is not heard namely because the people around me do not give a F*** on what happens to me whether I die or not, those two choices are my outlet. Stress eating would happen every now and then, it’s not as dire as others but the urge to eat is there. I would look for food that i want and eat it disregarding if it is healthy or not as long as it keeps the depression at bay. And when I say at bay, really at bay.
For Stress reading, let’s just say that in a day, I would open two or three books and would read them…alternating form one book to another. No, I do not get lost on the story, I would actually remember the plot per book that I read in a week. But its not healthy.
I know, that the things I do are not really good for me. But how will I keep darkness from consuming me? I’ve been in that dark place since elementary days. And it is not easy.
Depression is a constant companion of mine. For some, they would thing nothing of it, Why? i do not look like I am in battle with it. But in reality, I am…and as the years add the day pass, it’s getting harder for me to overcome it. If not for books and food…I would be a wasted person.
Oh, i know i should not thing like this, i have two kids that needs me. But a battered and bruise soul and persona could only take too much.
For now, i would go back reading the books that are currently making my mind sane.
But tell me, if you would have a choice between reading and eating, which would you choose?